You know the meeting has gone completely down hill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken!
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Instead of buying your children all the things you never had. You should teach them all the things you were never taught.
Material wears out, but knowledge stays..
-Bruce Lee
I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said, “do not eat”.
pheww..
That was close!!
Teach your sons to respect women, because I’m teaching my daughters to bust jaws.
If 2020 was a math problem:
If you’re walking on the ice cream at 5 ounces per toaster, and your bicycle loses a sock, how much gravy will you need to re paint your hamster?
If you balance out your medication correctly, you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I’m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Congratulations to @13goody13 on winning that contest!! The race to finding a number that still works paid off for you! Congrats Man! Enjoy!
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists saying, “take a seat please”.
My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep..
“I know” was probably not the best answer to give.
Back side face plant
*God creating Eminem*
this one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys, while driving his car!
or use my phones flashlight to look for my phone I just lost!
What rock group has four guys who don’t sing?..
Mount Rushmore...
I’ll let my self out!
I’ve officially reached the age where I’m totally okay,
with not knowing what anything people under the age of 25 are talking about!
Pro tip:
Fill a piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party, again!
Had a bad mixup at the store today..
when the cashier said: “strip down facing me.”
apparently she was referring to my credit card..
Friend: [texting]
I'm gonna be late!
Me: *one week later*
for what?
You should never judge a book by its cover. I had a math book once and the people on the outside looked like they were having a real good time. The book was not a good time!
I drive more carefully when I have food in the passenger seat than I do when I have an actual passenger! -
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