My three favourite things are eating my family and not using commas!
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A tub of Margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago, and it still hurts!
I can’t believe it’s not better!
My kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas..
well, normally I cook a turkey, but I mean... what ever makes them happy I guess!
Everyone is complaining about people already having their Christmas tree up...
I’m already drunk for ST.Patrick’s day..
fight me!
If I ever run into Captain crunch,
I’m going to punch him right square in the roof of his mouth!
I’d love to come hang out with you,
But this nap isn’t going to take its self!
*Woman goes to doctor*
doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Woman: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some Double A batteries!!
Bartenders get mad at a $1.00 tip..
bro!
strippers will show me their entire butt hole for that!! Smarten up!
As I get older, I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw “Whole eggs” and read it as “whale eggs”
and for a minute I thought,
“whales lay eggs?”
Bu-duhm-pish
If you’re careful..
You can eat an entire rack of ribs, while taking a shower!
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird...
Social norms?
we grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and jerry were always naked, and only wore swimsuits at the beach!
Date: do you wanna come up for a coffee..?
me: no thanks, I hate stairs..
date: coffee means sex..
me:
me: How many stairs are there?
I want to welcome my close friend @Wolfskins to 420 mag! He just got his first journal up and going!!! Go check it out! And welcome him to the community!
Life hack: If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
You’re welcome
I may not have any friends,
But at least I know my dog will never ask me to help him move!
I feel like getting something done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes..
My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore...
I get drunk and start saying everything is “mexillent”.
My wife bought four grapefruit spoons.
You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruits at once...
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bio.
where did they go?
who took them, and why aren’t we helping to find them?
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