Omg I’ve had the most bipolar bear kind of day! It’s had everything! Anger, self loathing, plant dysmorphia, murder, sobbing and I hadn’t even got to fucking 8.30am.
Short story : I trimmed Mimmy.
Long story: looking after that alcoholic last night had me triggered as fuck. She was, look still is I didn’t kill her or anything lol, close to my age, and she has three teenage children. She covered in bruises where she’s been fighting or falling or whatever. She’s an incoherent DT shaking mess. She shits herself, like they do, and I’m washing her in the shower and I’m transported back to 12 year old me, washing my mothers shit from her legs as she sobs in the shower chanting she wants to die, and this is so terrible but part of me wanted to punch this woman in the face, part of me wanted to cradle her and tell her to fight, if not for herself for her kids, and then part of me just wanted to fuck myself up and let the system carry me, wash me, take care of me! Look I’m being Tramatic, but the injustice of it all, that of 13 patients the one person who could actively take control of her disease chooses not to, meanwhile Bed 13 is battling febrile neutropenia because her chemo has to almost kill her to work, and Bed 9 has just discovered he has a brain lesion, could be malignant could be benign, but either way big fucking news and he needed his hand held, but we can’t give him time because my fucking drunk DT ridden Mum in Bed 4 has once again removed her hospital gown and is trying to tear out her IV line and I’m just too tired for this emotionally raping shit!
Because of that patients choices, three nurses went without breaks because we were understaffed and someone had to be with drunky McPoo Poo because she was hallucinating, delirious and kept trying to climb out of bed. 12 other patients went without appropriate time and management because of the constant administering of Oxazapam (we couldn’t give the usual Valium coz her liver is so fucking shot) and Benzo’s are a two nurse drug check, coz we need to try and manage her withdrawal or she will seize. So one (me) is with the patient, the two other nurses are checking out drugs.
Kk so then I get home, I’m exhausted and starving but I want to get my plants outside. First thing I do is stand in dog shit, it was like a higher power saying go backkkkk. I of course ignore it, I get them lined up, I look at Mimmy and decide she’s dying. Despite all my love, my effort, my commitment, she chooses to drink herself to death.
Logical me: Tra just wait, it’s ok, go for a walk, have a shower, eat something, rest for a couple of hours, get forum feedback.
Illogical me: yeah nah.
So now I’m talking to Mimmy like a crazy person. “You wanna die?” “Okay, let’s do this”. I suddenly have
secatures sacatures secaters sharp cutting thingys in my hand and I’m murdering Mimmy. I’m just so mad inside. So so SO mad! Madder than I’ve been in YEARS! That patient isn’t just fucking herself. She’s fucking her kids. It takes decades to undo that damage, some never do. To reconcile the horror, the injustice that I had to live that, while others get so much fucking love. So much fucking safety. Fuck you Bed 4! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU MUM! FUCK YOU MIMMY! My bf is at work so he can’t corral me, I’m beyond controlling myself, my dogs are looking up at me like I’m nuts, which I prolly am, and I fucking shred Mimmy. I’m still in my hospital scrubs, I’ve now got branches everywhere, in horror I look, I look at what I’ve done, so now I’m crying thinking why did I do that?
I’m ok now. I left Mimmy broken and laying everywhere. I stripped and sat in the shower and sobbed until every last speck of last night drained out of me and down the drain pipe where it belongs. I ate fruit and yogurt, I went to bed and slept soundly for 2 hours.
I woke up at 11am feeling semi normal. I’ve since collected the branches, that were literally all over my backyard, and trimmed and washed them. They almost drip dried on my line but aren’t dry enough to bag. I’m back at work tomorrow. I’ll get up extra early and bag and tag. I’ve got them drying on a clothes horse in the man cave coz it’s too humid in the flower tent. Hopefully I can salvage a bit of smoke.
I’m such a fucking moron sometimes. I hate it when I make life harder than it needs to be. I am now being particularly nice to me. I am trying to forgive myself for killing Mimmy (omg who does that btw?!) I have just put clean sheets on my bed, and bought myself a pair of shoes online that I’ve been admiring for 6 months. And I have made a nice chicken and cashew stir fry for dinner, I just need to reheat it. I was going to have a glass of wine and a scoob, but I just don’t trust myself, so iced lemon tea it is.
Anyway enough of the drama, let’s get on with the picture show
Warning: The Mimmy one will make you pearl clutch and lol at the same time!
9 Days before flower
. Appreciate you showing us how one can get through something like that!
Mimmy Bee. I hope you're free from blemish and fully lush now.
fucking love your content.
