Oh No - It's A Green Hole! - Reverse Thrusters! - Dammit - Too Late!

I am going to go ahead and say that a positive note to this is that I have removed many toxic relationships in my life thinking that it was the cause of my "hellish experiences". I cannot say they were for sure but gutting them out has helped in other ways and my life is much simpler now. Thank you panic attacks! :rofl:
 
Weaselcracker said:
I googled the black pepper thing Kriaze, and came up with so many interesting looking articles but this definitely proves you're not crazy (about the pepper I mean). That's extremely interesting! When I get a safe space I'll try smoking some of those strains that I grow but haven't even dared to try yet.
I do appreciate the talk about the subject. I think that people are quite easily conditioned, as can be plainly seen by looking at around at the world.
I think that making it through a hellish experience or two is one thing.
Wondering/wandering around for years feeling suicidal and fucked up is another.
Getting through that but living with deeply ingrained and slightly fucked up attitudes is another.
But I also think that over time if we keep trying, strangely, our curses can become blessings in disguise.
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This is one of those times when the delete key is again the key most highly used. Not because I have any anxiety at this time, but that it would be inappropriate for me to go into too much detail here. Life is unique to everyone and that is a blessing in itself, my personal blessing is that my children will never suffer. It's wrong to type more, but there is also another facet that I would like to add to your list.

That is the ones that have lived the hell for life and know no difference, wandering around and searching for solace with their thousand mile stare.

It probably makes no sense to you and apologies for that, but dark places are sometimes everywhere and if peace of some form or another can be found with the help of MJ, I'm all for it. It's really hard for me to explain without bringing negativity to a beautiful place.

Peace mate, damn the skies have darkened and the chill is upon us. I'm going to roll and share :passitleft:
 
Weaselcracker said:
I googled the black pepper thing Kriaze, and came up with so many interesting looking articles but this definitely proves you're not crazy (about the pepper I mean). That's extremely interesting! When I get a safe space I'll try smoking some of those strains that I grow but haven't even dared to try yet.
I do appreciate the talk about the subject. I think that people are quite easily conditioned, as can be plainly seen by looking at around at the world.
I think that making it through a hellish experience or two is one thing.
Wondering/wandering around for years feeling suicidal and fucked up is another.
Getting through that but living with deeply ingrained and slightly fucked up attitudes is another.
But I also think that over time if we keep trying, strangely, our curses can become blessings in disguise.
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WC, Kriaze and Mello -- thank you for letting me overhear this conversation. :Love:

WC, I agree with you, that if we keep trying, our curses become blessings. I've been suicidal and fucked up since I was about 12 -- and I've found it's cyclical for me. There's a chemical aspect that I seem to have inherited from my father, and there's the traumatic life experiences which haven't helped. Together they have created a dark space inside me that seems, when I'm in the black hole, as if it's what I truly am. It seems inescapable and inevitable that I will end up back there.

But I've learned that that dark place is not me -- it's something that was grafted onto me, and I can resist it and reject it. I'm using cannabis to help me do that.

Kriaze said:
This is one of those times when the delete key is again the key most highly used. Not because I have any anxiety at this time, but that it would be inappropriate for me to go into too much detail here. Life is unique to everyone and that is a blessing in itself, my personal blessing is that my children will never suffer. It's wrong to type more, but there is also another facet that I would like to add to your list.

That is the ones that have lived the hell for life and know no difference, wandering around and searching for solace with their thousand mile stare.

It probably makes no sense to you and apologies for that, but dark places are sometimes everywhere and if peace of some form or another can be found with the help of MJ, I'm all for it. It's really hard for me to explain without bringing negativity to a beautiful place.

Peace mate, damn the skies have darkened and the chill is upon us. I'm going to roll and share :passitleft:
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Kriaze, this is so beautifully put. Thank you.

:Namaste:
 
Kriaze, I don't usually have trouble making sense of dark subjects. I have the problem that I have great trouble making sense of what most people call 'normal'. I don't know your personal situation of course. But the intelligence and depth of what you write is very clear to me, and I can't even begin to explain how highly I value that sort of thing. I know that this sort of depth doesn't come from living a happy and glossy life- and this is my point. You might feel like there's no blessing in disguise there, but to me, everything you write proves you wrong.
I don't have any pat answers for you. I do have a few decades of extreme blackness behind me. Somehow I hold it at bay because I have to. Mainly because of my kid. If you want to take it elsewhere just PM me anytime, or post here or whatever, or just accept the invisible well wishes and sympathy I feel and leave it at that. I actually love talking about this stuff. I suppose because I don't get much chance to and it's like the main part of the iceberg for me.
 
Thanks Glimmer. I do now think that there are choices. It sounds kind of insulting to say that, because I know it's not so easy as flipping some sort of switch. And I don't mean to put the blame on ourselves for slipping into blackness. There's enough of that already for ourselves. I just know that at this point in my life I can hold of that darkness enough to make things work. I can feel it pulling at me every time some little thing goes wrong. But the further I get from that abyss the deeper it looks and I'm so horrified of going back down in there that I somehow keep training myself to look elsewhere.

I do think it's because I have this kid, who not only gives me a lot of love, but provides me a mirror and forces me to try and change what I'm seeing in that mirror, for his sake. I'm pretty sure if I was still on my own I would be somehow completely ruined by now.

There's been some interesting talk of this subject on SweetSue's Spot. Radogast shared some info on PTSD rewiring that looked interesting. I do think we can bring ourselves out of this shit, the same way we got conditioned into it. It takes time.
 
glimmergrass said:
WC, Kriaze and Mello -- thank you for letting me overhear this conversation. :Love:

WC, I agree with you, that if we keep trying, our curses become blessings. I've been suicidal and fucked up since I was about 12 -- and I've found it's cyclical for me. There's a chemical aspect that I seem to have inherited from my father, and there's the traumatic life experiences which haven't helped. Together they have created a dark space inside me that seems, when I'm in the black hole, as if it's what I truly am. It seems inescapable and inevitable that I will end up back there.

But I've learned that that dark place is not me -- it's something that was grafted onto me, and I can resist it and reject it. I'm using cannabis to help me do that.



Kriaze, this is so beautifully put. Thank you.

:Namaste:
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glimmergrass thank you too for such an eloquent post and I appreciate that you understood mine. MJ is a blessing to us all whether as medicine or as recreation, or even as use to expand our horizons. Suicide is against my religion and although it may be an outdated concept for some it is my own personal moral guidance, plus it stops me from popping myself off ;)

Weaselcracker said:
Kriaze, I don't usually have trouble making sense of dark subjects. I have the problem that I have great trouble making sense of what most people call 'normal'. I don't know your personal situation of course. But the intelligence and depth of what you write is very clear to me, and I can't even begin to explain how highly I value that sort of thing. I know that this sort of depth doesn't come from living a happy and glossy life- and this is my point. You might feel like there's no blessing in disguise there, but to me, everything you write proves you wrong.
I don't have any pat answers for you. I do have a few decades of extreme blackness behind me. Somehow I hold it at bay because I have to. Mainly because of my kid. If you want to take it elsewhere just PM me anytime, or post here or whatever, or just accept the invisible well wishes and sympathy I feel and leave it at that. I actually love talking about this stuff. I suppose because I don't get much chance to and it's like the main part of the iceberg for me.
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Weaselcracker I have always respected your intelligence and wit since I joined here, I feel as if there is some form of spiritual connection or a meeting of mentalities so to speak. I have a wife and six children so no need for you to worry that I'm after your body, just your mind as it's conducive to some great conversation :) I'm actually over the dark time again already, one more smoke is all it ever takes. I appreciate your offer to chat, you don't know how much that means to me. You are a light from out of your own darkness, you sound like you have conquered your dark times and emerged victorious, shining bright like a blazing sword. Unfortunately though things with me are exactly the opposite at the moment. It only takes a trigger and the lights switch, it sounds silly but it is exactly like a darkness descending. I know that I'll fix it with or without help as I've done it before. Sometimes though it's that one chat that fixes all, the last one was 16 years ago and it lasted until last year. When I'm reminded of it I remember and it works again, even your offer to share your valuable time (and I know that you're always running around busy) is enough. I think after reading this magazine for awhile before actually joining midway through my grow was what made me join, there's a lot of beautiful souls on here and mentality is only a moment, yet such a valuable one when we share it. I'm thinking this extra fat one has done it's job and I may be rambling lol. But I feel at ease typing and rambling on like everyone here is accepting and acceptable all at once.

Maybe I should have deleted half of this that I have written while stoned Weaselcracker, but the livelier side of me says let's push that post button :) Sending some good karma over and apologies if there's any nonsense in there, I wrote it moment by moment and I'll read it back after the urge has passed to push the post. :ganjamon:
 
I appreciate the unedited versions. Thanks. I'm always guilty of rambling on with crazy stuff myself and my delete button is well worn as well. No doubt it should be used even more. I know what you mean and feel a kindred spirit thing for sure. As for my body, on 420 I don't actually have one I'm just a bunch of electrons so no worries there. :)
I have to laugh at that idea of being a shining sword or a positive force. Anyone who knows me would laugh at about that too. I just lay low in life and slink around in my solitary ways and I'm sure people think I am something different than what I am on the inside. Decades of shell building have made mine pretty thick.
I feel those triggers too. Any little thing goes wrong and I'm ready to curl into a ball like a little baby. It's when the shit gets really heavy that I'm better at getting up and fighting. Getting up and fighting it is a good thing. The rest of the time I've been learning to carry on and cope with the small stuff. I'll never be 'happy' like some people are. Happiness to me is a kind of quiet peace, and freedom from my own head games. I can keep myself at a sane level most of the time now, and that at least allows the possibility for those rare moments of peace and happiness to slip through.
 
This is a journal entry of mine when I was 15.

I walk soulless among the soulful. I see the darkness that surrounds me and it makes me feel as if it were me. An extension of myself visible to only myself. My mind insists on asking why? Why me? Why them? Why like this? Why like that? Why? Who will answer me, when will they answer, and why..... why haven't they answered already. I search for meaning but I find nothing that needs defining. I can define everything but find no meaning at all. What is the point.

Then when I was 22....

I have this insatiable desire to ......... (never finished the sentence)

When I was 25...

I feel lost.

When I was 26....

I want to write a book but I have no idea what about. Probably something Dark. Meh..

NOW.....

I just found a group of individuals on 420 that make me feel at home. Stoners who believe in themselves but feel left out and lost. I hope my experiences can help change their lives for the better. I hope that they come to the sudden realization that life has but one meaning..... To live today, plan for tomorrow, and learn from their past.
 
You're right Mello. And it's not all just about what is going on in our heads. Circumstances matter. There are many very real reasons in this life to feel that darkness. Reality is though that we will always function better when we aren't depressed, and whatever those outside forces are, we can't tackle them well when we are down. We have to somehow crawl out of that pit, whatever it takes. Some (most?) people learned these skills at an early age. Others, myself included, never really developed those skills and/or just got hit with some heavy shit that crushed them, aka PTSD. Despite the never ending mental balancing act that goes on, it's not all a mental game. We are meant to be doing what fulfills us. Like every living creature there is, we are meant to live! As a creative person I know I'm supposed to be living up to that and creating. I can see more clearly a lot of the reasons why I was so screwed up when I was younger. Put me back in those situations I got myself into, and I might be just as messed up. I know that mass humanity gets me down and I've managed to wriggle myself into a beautiful part of the world where I have freedom from crowds except when I choose to be in one. (A crowd to me is more than one person and sometimes even one is a crowd :)). I have a garden or three. I'm surrounded by wilderness. I have some pet critters and a kid. I have music and art and the addiction of growing stuff. These physical things and circumstances all matter very much. Depression feeds on itself and kills a person's dreams, and people kick the one who is down. The ones who are down kick themselves. Even when you're past it you can look back at a lot of regrets and wasted time and feel down about that, and it's just a never ending cycle.
Thankfully the opposite is true and positivity feeds on itself. And people love us when we're shining, being the fickle creatures we are.
 
Sounds like heaven, whereabouts did you go off to? I have 4 kids, 3 dogs, a cat, a parakeet, but the crowds are everywhere. No wilderness except my garden even though it's not that big just yet. :rofl:
 
Middle of nowhere!
Though I must say, being in wilderness has it's drawbacks, as I get to see firsthand the crazy rape and pillage of our planet, and destruction of the shreds of wild that we have left. It's a daily heartbreak.
I hope I haven't scared off most of my beloved journal subscribers. Oh well, it's my journal... And they've stuck with my craziness this far. :thumb:
 
Weaselcracker said:
Middle of nowhere!
Though I must say, being in wilderness has it's drawbacks, as I get to see firsthand the crazy rape and pillage of our planet, and destruction of the shreds of wild that we have left. It's a daily heartbreak.
I hope I haven't scared off most of my beloved journal subscribers. Oh well, it's my journal... And they've stuck with my craziness this far. :thumb:
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yup. i know this. live out in the sticks myself. lot's of timber farms. i live on the edge of about 3000 acres but fortunately they do selective cutting back there. not quite as horrid as the clear cuts.
 
No need to be sorry about anything there Mello. I've been enjoying this tangent a lot.
Yeah I think we all feel it Electro, as our natural habitat is being trashed. At least I hope we do. In the city I find it easier to ignore. Out of sight out of mind.
I suppose it has been a lot of dark talk here today. Oh well. It can't be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns.
 
Good morning Wease.I woke this morning, did some gardening(my therapy), made a coffee and started checking my subs.
Wow. So much deep meaningful conversation.
I think it's interesting so many of "us" share similar "conditions", for want of a better word, which escapes me at present.
Everyone's situation is different but we all seem to share at least a couple of things, one, an insatiatable love affair with the delete button, and two, a desire not to be addicted to prescription medicine. Now, I know many of us , believe that doctors create patients, but they are also sales assistants for pharmaceutical companies. Fortunately in the US and Canada, Uraguay and some other parts, governments are slowly waking up to the false propaganda that was spread so long ago. But It's people like us that "know" cannabis is valid as a medicine.
I too have depression. I tried the "doctors" advice, and became suicidal. Fortunately I'm still here and doin ok. My wife suffers ptsd, and my son has autism. My life is stressful, but cannabis has given me a way to heal myself, both growing, and smoking cannabis has saved my life and improved my situation.
I'm still "crazy as a coconut" but I'm still here. Sorry for the ramble:circle-of-love:
 
I love how we are always apologizing for our rambles, when the rambles are the best posts. I can't help apologizing constantly either.
Cannabis has a lot of amazing qualities as a medicine. For me the biggest gift is that it gives me insights and helps me think in ways I wouldn't otherwise. I don't know many/any pharmaceuticals that have that quality. I suspect that it's a big part of the reason governments hate it. A drug that makes people think must be about the most dangerous thing they could imagine. Best to keep that stuff from falling into the wrong hands.
 
Weaselcracker said:
I love how we are always apologizing for our rambles, when the rambles are the best posts. I can't help apologizing constantly either.
Cannabis has a lot of amazing qualities as a medicine. For me the biggest gift is that it gives me insights and helps me think in ways I wouldn't otherwise. I don't know many/any pharmaceuticals that have that quality. I suspect that it's a big part of the reason governments hate it. A drug that makes people think must be about the most dangerous thing they could imagine. Best to keep that stuff from falling into the wrong hands.
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About the thinking thingy, just this morning I was thinking about breakfast when suddenly I thought, what if I cooked the bacon first,
chopped it into small pieces then tossed it into the scrambled eggs with some cheese ?
It was a hit !! My son, is a very fussy eater and wouldn't eat them separately, but guess what ? He ate the lot and asked for more !!
Classic stoner thinking !! I think....?
 
Weaselcracker said:
What next man, complete world domination?
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Cant speak for chenzi, but i couldnt agree more with your thoughts..

A bit late for me to be thinkinin world domination, but i hope and pray that those thoughts flood my sons mind as he ges old enought to understand things.. (hope the same for your boy chenzi, and all kidds everywhere!)
 
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