To my dearest Grow family there ever was...
I promise to reply to the messages left, especially the link that PW posted, wowzers right!
Would love to share my experience retiring from doing audio workshops, but there isn't much to say except...
I picked up my honey as he got off work at 9am, and already worked a 16 hour shift, and we headed into the city to deliver my workshop. With no sleep, my honey ate the breakfast I got him, and we went over my agenda and tech needs.
We arrived, set up my tech, introduce myself to the staff and sound guy who I'm patched into. Always acknowledgement and treat my tech team with the most respect and gifts as possible.
I was ready to go.
Turns out, the panel discussions that were on before me completely lapsed my workshop and noone showed up until after because of the schedule. The only people were there was me, my hubby, the sound guy, another audio teacher and the organizer. Not one participant in sight. They were all listening to the panelists cause they went over time or showed up late.
I waited, I waited, I waited, not one person walked in. So I did the most awkward audio workshop I've ever done and they got it on video to my dismay. My brain wanted to react and swirling behaviours want to engage, but I had to keep my shiz together and always be a professional. This was not a social doo, this is college level audio arts and there is no temper tantrum allowed. So that was my biggest test, how do I adjust, adapt and move on with a brain disease?
I waited till 1:30, 30 mins then I decided to just do something because I'm not a quitter. I did a 30 brief overview of using electronic music to do soundscapes and sound fx. I had explosions and construction grit fx, I had it all. I did smile when I redlined my explosion, that was really the only fun part. I like to blow stuff up.
See the part about being an Artist is that you always have to be on. You can't DO nothing, you have to adjust the chairs, adapt to an empty room and speak into the camera, they recorded my worst workshop. Does it even matter, will I ever watch the video, probably not. Because I stuttered like there was peanut butter in my mouth. I know my hubby said it was only 4 times, then said, it was only 2 times, but to me, it was every other sentence.
You could tell I was forcing myself to find my words despite my husbands reassuring smile to push through my speaking barriers. The only smooth part about speaking was when I got into the sound design details, talking tech is easier than talking about my brainy life. I did the best I could and I still feel like I humiliated myself. I wanted to run so far away but I had to stick my ground and follow through.
This was the hardest thing I have had to do socially. I wanted to implode and disappear, but I had a rep to protect. I did meet some new cool sound guys, as soon as I was finished, I gave out my cards, got hugs from the guys, I gave my hubby "the look" like I gotta run to save myself, he gave me the nod and I walked as fast I could in my overdone outfit, new hair, one of a kind jacket/shawl and got to the car and broke down.
I cried my waterfall of embarrassment, then got changed in the car, wiped my face with a face cloth and ice water, put my DJ cap on was ready to go back in and face the music. I never ever let anyone see me cry in this industry but sometimes I gotta get it out and just move on. Yesterday I felt like my brain was dying, I was panicked to stay alive, while in my head, the emotions were rough waves at the ocean. I kept telling myself, there is no crying in soccer, there is no crying in audio.
I was walking through the parking lot and saw the organizer. He explained the panelists went late and, I reassured him that hey, it's over, and thank you for the invitation. He is a long time friend of mine in the industry, so there is no blame, it was out of his control. Not going to let something like come between him and I. He has always delivered before, so I had to dig deep down and remember, I really respect this man.
He told me they are moving the program to Banff performing centre for the arts where they have proper studios and tech support. He asked me if I would be interested to do some classes there over a few days. All would be covered. I declined because the first thing that came to mind was that I would never leave my plants for that long by themselves. Because I've got my medicine to grow first now, the stress is what triggers me. Then my husband tells him that I would looove to go to Banff and do workshops for them. I smiled and continued my awkward smile knowing that I'm done. Done like dinner.
Because I'm still a proFRESHional they invited me to their next program, that was reassurance that I didn't make an a*s outta myself. It was my reaction that is most important. I will walk away before I become unprofessional. Because I believe in standards, that I live by and perform by.
The super good news is, I got paid double my fee and got my travel covered. That was a surprise and made me smile from ear to ear. I thanked him with the same professionalism and friendship. Had I not been so gracious to adapt I may not have rec'd that money I used to pay our rent. Boom! spent and allowed me to feel like a provider for one day.
I have no money, no disability, no coverage to help me, so when I can earn money to pay our bills, it saves us and boosts my confidence and self esteem, which is so important in my brainiac world.
There is so much to take away from this event, I could go on forever, but I don't want to trigger my inflamed brain I have been icing since I got home. I woke up today and vaped my face off. Ahhh, nothing like being home after a social collision I just experienced.
I am who I am, I'm a grower and that's all I want to do. Speaking is for the birds...hahahahaha
Back to responding to your messages...
Thank you guys, gals, and audio resisters.
GOT PAID GIRLFRIEND!! 
