Closet Farmers 1st Soil Grow - White Ruski

Thanks for alll the encouragement. I wish I could say things are getting easier. At least I am not going to die!! Times like this make me wish I lived in a MMJ State. These pharma meds are really bad shit. The relax pills have bad side effects. I am still not thinking straight but I still LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!:circle-of-love:
 
Closet Farmer said:
Thanks for alll the encouragement. I wish I could say things are getting easier. At least I am not going to die!! Times like this make me wish I lived in a MMJ State. These pharma meds are really bad shit. The relax pills have bad side effects. I am still not thinking straight but I still LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!:circle-of-love:
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Well, I "liked" your post because it shows your positive attitude through all this...Sending you positive vibes for a fast(er) recovery!:Namaste:
 
Honest to God. I found out the other day that I am suicidle. The only thing keeping me alive lately is the thought of the selfishness especially to my wife and children. These meds are very bad. They are working so I have to continue to use. I made an appointment with a physciatrst to see if I can get on some meds that will help me continue the agony of this medication!!

I finally got a computor that works. I will be posting awesome bud pics tomorrow. You guys ROCK!!! :peace:
 
Closet Farmer said:
Honest to God. I found out the other day that I am suicidle. The only thing keeping me alive lately is the thought of the selfishness especially to my wife and children. These meds are very bad. They are working so I have to continue to use. I made an appointment with a physciatrst to see if I can get on some meds that will help me continue the agony of this medication!!

I finally got a computor that works. I will be posting awesome bud pics tomorrow. You guys ROCK!!! :peace:
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Hey Closet Farmer. :Namaste:

Good to see you!. Not good thinking about suicide. Your sure going through hell. A living hell. Hang on Buddy...the end is getting near....I hope. I'm going to see my shrink in the morning and will be asking for better meds too. Although my reaction the last time I changed was awful.
I pray that he can do something for you, you deserve better than this. Your a good man. :high-five:
 
My brotha CF, good to hear from you again...even if it's just groans and moans.

I'm terribly sorry that the S word came to play in your head..but it's inevitable at times. Did I ever tell you about the time I was so constipated on pain killers? (I wish this on no one) The torture of having to deuce and nothing coming out had me thinking of the EXIT too. I didn't go past the point of thinking about it though...

My brother in-law is in real bad shape, no cure for his rare case... I'm sure if he had Dr. Kavorkians phone # he'd be on it, and if I were in his shoes I would too.

But you my friend, you are going to make it! The months of pain along with the thoughts will be in the past soon.

Now, what's this about pictures... :thumb:
 
OldMedMan said:
Hey Closet Farmer. :Namaste:

Good to see you!. Not good thinking about suicide. Your sure going through hell. A living hell. Hang on Buddy...the end is getting near....I hope. I'm going to see my shrink in the morning and will be asking for better meds too. Although my reaction the last time I changed was awful.
I pray that he can do something for you, you deserve better than this. Your a good man. :high-five:
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Honest to God OMM!! I swear we are brothers from different mothers!!

I really appreciate all your support. I thank you for your prayers. I aways say no to the suicide question. But I realize that a lot of people could be suicidle without knowing it. Thank God for Family and Friends like YOU!!:circle-of-love:
 
Here are the pictures I promised. I have not given these plants the attention I normally would. It looks like I have about 2 to 3 weeks to harvet 2 and anoather 1 to 2 months for the rest.


Group Photo....
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Flower top....
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My next generation plants vegging under to 90LED
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I look forward to get around more and try and post more.

Thanks!!!:circle-of-love:
 
Looks like you'll have a fine harvest, CF.
Just do what you can buddy, we'd all rather have you feeling ok, than having you post and journal...Take care of you my friend:Namaste:
 
Hey CF, long time no talk. I am very sorry to hear of your medical troubles, I have been going through hell with you if that helps. I hope you get everything figured out soon and get on the road to recovery. BTW, your girls look nice!
 
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." Dory Don't forget this, I really live by it daily -- no joke!!

Brother, I know how you are feeling, somewhat. That word has made it into my consciousness before, and very recently. You are correct to dismiss it, though. Things change, sometimes for the better, and better days will be around the corner.

I haven't told anyone this yet, but I recently had an experience where I told my doc that I didn't think I could keep going the way I was. Too much pain every day, and it was wearing on me mentally more than I could take, I felt very distraught and the meds weren't cutting it. I couldn't imagine living like that forever, and the S word had made it into my head, though like you, constinually dismissed.

I'll be damned, but some new meds are actually giving me some hope again. I am a little pissed my doc didn't come up with this before (I had to suggest it to him) but, if even just because of meds, there is light amongst the gloom at the moment.

My point is, there is ALWAYS hope. Even when it seems like there isn't. Your family will always need you or at least be better with you in their life. Always. I know pain, and bad med experiences, and have to remind myself of this too. Under no circumstances will they be better off without you, no matter what your mind concocts that may make you question this. Please stay strong, and don't let these meds you are taking get the best of you. They are evil, for sure, but don't let them trick you. You can win this battle.

Please take care and vent to us if you need to. PM me any time if you just need an outside opinion or perspective, k? Promise me, nothing stupid or rash.

Much love and respect my friend. X
 
I am still hanging in there. This medication has been very costly to me. I get downright mean on it. I have lost a lot of aquaintaces because of the awful negative things I say. I picked up cigagarettes again. Last week. They acturallly make me feel better. I plan on quiting again as soon as I am off this shit in a couple months. If it werent for Xanax I can get very mean. These pills actually mess with your mind. I seem to not be interested in the things I normally am. I am now down to 170 from 205. I cant wait to start being able to work out again!!

I started harvesting my Orange Bud and also the Skunk#11. I just took to tops and am lettting the bottom of the plant buds get bigger while I am waiting for my veg girls to get big enough for enter the Flower of Power room!! I will try and post pics tomorrow.

Even though they are not ready for the smoke report. I have smoked some of the Orange Bud. It is good stuff. I really like it. It really has an orange taste!!!

I am so glad I stopped at my journal. I have been away for a long time. It really makes me fell good to have all your support!!!!! :circle-of-love:
 
Closet Farmer said:
I am still hanging in there. This medication has been very costly to me. I get downright mean on it. I have lost a lot of aquaintaces because of the awful negative things I say. I picked up cigagarettes again. Last week. They acturallly make me feel better. I plan on quiting again as soon as I am off this shit in a couple months. If it werent for Xanax I can get very mean. These pills actually mess with your mind. I seem to not be interested in the things I normally am. I am now down to 170 from 205. I cant wait to start being able to work out again!!

I started harvesting my Orange Bud and also the Skunk#11. I just took to tops and am lettting the bottom of the plant buds get bigger while I am waiting for my veg girls to get big enough for enter the Flower of Power room!! I will try and post pics tomorrow.

Even though they are not ready for the smoke report. I have smoked some of the Orange Bud. It is good stuff. I really like it. It really has an orange taste!!!

I am so glad I stopped at my journal. I have been away for a long time. It really makes me fell good to have all your support!!!!! :circle-of-love:
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You know it buddy. Been through similar experiences and I understand everything you are saying... I could have wrote it! Not comparing, but I can relate for sure. Really glad you stopped by, too. You've been on my mind, and I'm glad to hear you are still winning the battle, though sorry to hear about losing friends. I nearly ruined my marriage with the last med fiasco I had like that. I was same as you - not myself, mean, and grumpy. Snapped at everyone, distant - disconnected. I didn't CARE about pissing people off. I picked fights for no reason... became paranoid. Well, you obviously know, brother.

Hang in there -- tons of positivity your way. Thanks for the update! :cheertwo:
 
OldMedMan said:
You sound better...that's for sure. Glad to see your post....now I know your still hanging in
Your friends will come back once your over this crap. Buy a punching bag to let off steam. Love ya Buddy!:high-five:
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The problem is with this med I can snap in a second...Without warning if my stupid mind thinks something is wrong. Maybe when someone pisses me off I could just run like Forrest Gump to let the steam off!! That would sure look funny!!!

Xlr8 said:
You know it buddy. Been through similar experiences and I understand everything you are saying... I could have wrote it! Not comparing, but I can relate for sure. Really glad you stopped by, too. You've been on my mind, and I'm glad to hear you are still winning the battle, though sorry to hear about losing friends. I nearly ruined my marriage with the last med fiasco I had like that. I was same as you - not myself, mean, and grumpy. Snapped at everyone, distant - disconnected. I didn't CARE about pissing people off. I picked fights for no reason... became paranoid. Well, you obviously know, brother.

Hang in there -- tons of positivity your way. Thanks for the update! :cheertwo:
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Thanks for all the positive evergy! I am seeming to handle the meds better every day.

My only real friend right now is my wife. I never realized how much she loves me until lately. She is my savior. Man, going through this a person needs a lot of support.
I am a liar to say I lost all my friends. It would be more accurate to say I lost a lot of good close aquaintances. I have a few friends left but they have known me for years and know this is not the real me.
You are right, I can get so pissed I will try to start fights and say the meanest things. I must look crazy because I have not been punched yet. It is like the devil takes over me. I actually look and act insane on these rampages. :peace:
 
Closet Farmer said:
The problem is with this med I can snap in a second...Without warning if my stupid mind thinks something is wrong. Maybe when someone pisses me off I could just run like Forrest Gump to let the steam off!! That would sure look funny!!!



Thanks for all the positive evergy! I am seeming to handle the meds better every day.

My only real friend right now is my wife. I never realized how much she loves me until lately. She is my savior. Man, going through this a person needs a lot of support.
I am a liar to say I lost all my friends. It would be more accurate to say I lost a lot of good close aquaintances. I have a few friends left but they have known me for years and know this is not the real me.
You are right, I can get so pissed I will try to start fights and say the meanest things. I must look crazy because I have not been punched yet. It is like the devil takes over me. I actually look and act insane on these rampages. :peace:
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Your story and mine are very similar. I have lost some aquaintances too because of my temper and aggression caused by my meds and conditions. I hope you get much better after getting off the meds. Mine should get better with time and if I am able to process all of the nutrients. Best wishes! I can't wait to see the pics of the partial harvest.
 
Well Mr. CF, my only wish is that you get past all of this so you can show your wife just how much she means to you.

Maybe get her a day out to herself, I usually get my wife a pass for the massus once a year..cuzz I screw up every year.

Well, we're all hear for you buddy...I've been learning a little about Possitive Vibrations, they do help heal...

Sending you + vibes and will think of you all day, wishing you nothing but good.
 
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