SoilGirl's Soil Multi-Strain Grow Journal 2014

Do what you feel you have to do. But if it's your house & you're legal you know what side of the coin I'm on. I know the recent history the two of you've been through.
 
thank you reg :hugs: you're really nice.. I know I should probably listen to you.. but its a little more complicated than all that too.. he deserves jail I agree... wow he's a terrible dad.. but if I put him in jail for this, my mom will take my side, and I'm 100% sure he will leave her if she does, with no money. Actually, with debt. She's a teacher. I have no job. The rest of my family is selfish, except my sister, but she's still at DU. Nothing she can do. Plus it would take what money we have to get him out again I bet.. I can protect myself.. apparently not my plants.. but at least myself..

its probably best to just get out of here as soon as I can... but my credit card just got denied, and my bank is USAA..there's no way to get my money out of my bank, there's no way for me to get out of here essentially unless my mom helps somehow.

so its basically... tear my family apart financially on top of physically by putting him in jail, or just wait it out and escape somehow...
 
Wow! I don't know what to tell you. If you lived in the area Babygirl would just have a roommate for awhile. Let me know what transpires & if you need any comforting mental support just PM me.
 
god, right now I wish I lived anywhere but here >.< ... thanks so much Reg. I will..

I'd make a pathetic sight right now.. sobbing and vaporizing. Maybe my buds aren't that good after all, they aren't making me feel better. I bet he's killing all my seedlings right now..
 
I wish I could send a large framed hell's angels member over there to straighten him out, tough tough situation, SG. liquidate your outdoor harvest and rent a cheap studio in Denver?
 
the outdoor mama clone is dead too..

idk how to liquedate it haha.. thanks for the concern though Corgie..

I'm so upset... thank you for the support..

i know they're just plants...but seeing every one he kills is like another pin in my heart..
 
I wouldn't ever recommend this normally, and im actually against selling weed, period.

but, in the great state of Colorado, a lot of people put their harvest up for "donation" on craigslist. Maybe you would be better off applying for a credit card and working off the debt as soon as you can. YOU SHOULD MOVE SOMEWHERE ESLE ASAP.

if you were my sister I would be over there with a baseball bat. women need a protector in their life, but they certainly shouldn't need one from their own father. SERIOUS BULLSHIT!! IM PISSED READING THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU.
 
thanks for the advice corgie.. I can't get any credit card (I actually have a debit card) since I have no job though... I think I'm finally realizing that I need to move out though... I'll find a way.. I'll get a shitty job.. I don't care.. fuck him.. I don't ever ever want to have another morning like this again. or day or any time. He's tried to control me through fear for the last time. I am kind of feeling like walking out and pepper spraying him for pay back..but I wouldn't.. GOD DAMN IT. He's despicable. He's truly degenerated into a pathetic creature in the last 2 years. He's a fat slime ball drowning in alcohol and opiates, who hates himself almost as much as the rest of the world. Ass Hole. Scum bag. Limp dick piece of shit. (yeah my mom told me about that. maybe thats why you're so angry.)

... I'm seething with fury right now too... i'm going between that and breaking down in tears....

edit. scratch that.... maybe I finally hit the medication level of sublime acceptance.. he can kill them all..or I'm just numb. probably that.
 
Hello SG. :Love: BAR and CO have given you good advice. And we all are with you in spirit and wish we could be there in person. You do need to find a way out sooner or later otherwise this pattern will keep repeating itself and the one who will suffer greatest is yourself. Try and stay calm and work out your options - if you were advising yourself, what would you tell yourself to do? I'm sure you know the answer. Forget the girls (unless you can turn them into readies them as CO suggested) if you have to. There are plenty more seeds in the world. It's painful but I know you will find your way.
:Love: Mr Teddy x

PS I've just been to the chapel and lit a candle for you. St Haralambos also went through hell. I know it's not your thing, but let's get him working for you too. :)
 
thank you mr. teddy it means a lot.. I have to get away from this.. it's so embarrassing how many times I've gotten on here crying to share some crazy story about my Dad too.. It'll be better for me and everything I do if he's not in my life.. It's going to kill part of me to leave these two rottweilers behind though. They just turned a year old a week ago. And I raised them, not my mom or dad, me. I understand them inside and out and spend more time with them..and even love them more than anyone else.. But my dad won't let me take them if I go.. that's the hardest part for me.. I've already had many moments of silence for my plants..

wow..can't believe this is happening again. ...so tired of it.
 
Yep, the dogs will be much, much harder to leave than the girls. I don't know if I could ever leave Teddy; and frankly I don't think he would ever leave me. But try and remember that, once you're out, it will still hurt but the pain WILL fade. I know. Lordy, I'm sounding like an old man. Well, I'm old enough to be your dad. I wish I was - then you wouldn't be in this state; we'd just be lighting up another one...

Be strong.
 
SoilGirl, there is not much i can say or do to help you in the situation you are in other then add to the great support that this community offers.

ive been in a similar boat (i wont say same because i dont like when others say they have or had the same life as i). i am young myself, ive faced many obstacles and challenges in the last 7 years of my life. ive went 5 years of those 7 hating everyone and everything in belief that everyone and everything was out to get me. that i could do nothing right and that all my thoughts were wrong. a couple years ago i met a very good friend of mine now, and he taught me many things not knowing that he was.

the main thing he taught me, is everything happens for a reason and everyone we meet serves a purpose. this world is extremely short for us humans and hatred is a heavy weight that does more damage then good.

now im not saying for you to love your father and think he is the best father on the world, but what im saying is that try and not hold hate, instead feel sorry for him. he clearly has a issue that is eating at him (if its debt, family, love life, job, ect)

this may go on for awhile and get off track but its because i believe, i use to be how your father is acting..

my fiance has been with me for these 7 years that i am speaking of.

when we started out, she had no idea i was a wanted xfelon, drop out, making 9$/hr, no driver license, fresh out of a 2 year long relationship (heart broken) best friend from childhood just sentenced to 4 years in prison, father has health issues, no relationship with my mother or step guy, and im sure i could go on and on.

my point is, i was not happy at all, i hated everything and everyone like i mentioned above. she seen something past my anger and hatred and stayed with me every day for 5 years before i finally started to change.

i turned myself in, paid my fines off
(this year was 10 years since i was convicted w no other charges, felony is no more on record)
got my license
(at this point the relief i was feeling was amazing, instantly smiling everywhere i went)
got a great job (that i havent woken up one day saying "oh i gota work today")
and many other things

now my fiance and i have been much healthier and happier since i took care of all that. i felt bad during this entire time because i knew she did nothing causing my past issues, but still could not control how my mind thought and i felt.

sorry to go off about my life story there but i hope hes having the same issue and hes just not a hateful human being..

i wish the best for you soilgirl, no one deserves to be treated like so...

I&i

if you get bored, watch all these videos.. they always make me think deep about almost any situation im in.
 
I sent a PM and I stand behind it.
You have your anger and hurt. All you need is a plan.

Once you have a plan, all that anger, hurt, despair, grief is rocket fuel to make that plan happen.

You deserve better. When you plan for better, you can make it happen.

We all want to help you, but this is your fight. It's a tough fight.
I'm in your corner with a spit bucket and towel, all your friends here are on your side.
 
daTenshi said:
Really sucks to hear that happened girl :( I am here for you :love:

Getting out of that situation should be priority right now, dogs and plants come second, and don't feel bad for throwing him in jail, he doesn't feel bad for doing this to you.
Click to expand...

Mr Teddy said:
Yep, the dogs will be much, much harder to leave than the girls. I don't know if I could ever leave Teddy; and frankly I don't think he would ever leave me. But try and remember that, once you're out, it will still hurt but the pain WILL fade. I know. Lordy, I'm sounding like an old man. Well, I'm old enough to be your dad. I wish I was - then you wouldn't be in this state; we'd just be lighting up another one...

Be strong.
Click to expand...

Gfcollective said:
SoilGirl, there is not much i can say or do to help you in the situation you are in other then add to the great support that this community offers.

ive been in a similar boat (i wont say same because i dont like when others say they have or had the same life as i). i am young myself, ive faced many obstacles and challenges in the last 7 years of my life. ive went 5 years of those 7 hating everyone and everything in belief that everyone and everything was out to get me. that i could do nothing right and that all my thoughts were wrong. a couple years ago i met a very good friend of mine now, and he taught me many things not knowing that he was.

the main thing he taught me, is everything happens for a reason and everyone we meet serves a purpose. this world is extremely short for us humans and hatred is a heavy weight that does more damage then good.

now im not saying for you to love your father and think he is the best father on the world, but what im saying is that try and not hold hate, instead feel sorry for him. he clearly has a issue that is eating at him (if its debt, family, love life, job, ect)

this may go on for awhile and get off track but its because i believe, i use to be how your father is acting..

my fiance has been with me for these 7 years that i am speaking of.

when we started out, she had no idea i was a wanted xfelon, drop out, making 9$/hr, no driver license, fresh out of a 2 year long relationship (heart broken) best friend from childhood just sentenced to 4 years in prison, father has health issues, no relationship with my mother or step guy, and im sure i could go on and on.

my point is, i was not happy at all, i hated everything and everyone like i mentioned above. she seen something past my anger and hatred and stayed with me every day for 5 years before i finally started to change.

i turned myself in, paid my fines off
(this year was 10 years since i was convicted w no other charges, felony is no more on record)
got my license
(at this point the relief i was feeling was amazing, instantly smiling everywhere i went)
got a great job (that i havent woken up one day saying "oh i gota work today")
and many other things

now my fiance and i have been much healthier and happier since i took care of all that. i felt bad during this entire time because i knew she did nothing causing my past issues, but still could not control how my mind thought and i felt.

sorry to go off about my life story there but i hope hes having the same issue and hes just not a hateful human being..

i wish the best for you soilgirl, no one deserves to be treated like so...

I&i

if you get bored, watch all these videos.. they always make me think deep about almost any situation im in.
Click to expand...

Radogast said:
I sent a PM and I stand behind it.
You have your anger and hurt. All you need is a plan.

Once you have a plan, all that anger, hurt, despair, grief is rocket fuel to make that plan happen.

You deserve better. When you plan for better, you can make it happen.

We all want to help you, but this is your fight. It's a tough fight.
I'm in your corner with a spit bucket and towel, all your friends here are on your side.
Click to expand...

thank you all so much... everyone here has been so kind and sympathetic to me on this awful day here... I'm sorry for doing a blanket response.. but I have a little news... this morning's excitement worked up my dad's conditions. He's being held at the hospital now for blood clots in his lungs and recurring seizures. good riddance to him.. he said more awful things to me and and tried to push me into a wall when I was walking past him.. well I grabbed his arm, twisted it, and he got pushed into the wall instead. I bet my dad's regretting paying for my karate classes growing up now. After that he tripped over his own feet and fell on his butt, had a seizure, and drove himself to the hospital.

I wasn't about to drive him. I wouldn't bring him water if he were dying of thirst.. Not today. maybe I'm cold and bitchy. I don't care. My dad deserves every bad thing this world has to throw at him today, and if it kills him, so be it. Everyone in my family would be better off without his toxic existence, whether they know it or not.. as sad as that is.. its actually true..

I have a lot of hatred built up for him right now. I don't like feeling like this but it keeps getting stronger throughout the day. I feel cold and distant, like if he died right now in the hospital and I got the news, I wouldn't feel. I'm sure if that were to happen I'd get there.. I'd feel something.. but at the moment it's like he is already dead to me.. I'm so subconsciously mad at him I feel like I could explode and turn the world into ash at any second >.< .. it's not a nice feeling..

Gfc, thank you for sharing, that was really thoughtful of you. I'm sorry to hear of your past troubles.. as to if they are like my dad's or not IDK... I don't take you for the type that would punch your daughter's eye in her sleep and give her a big shiner because of a disagreement the night before though.. (that was 2 years ago) and that general stooping lower and lower idea is the theme for my dad. Anything he can do to control others with fear, he will do... he'll use anything against anyone, if he finds out you care about something it becomes leverage for him to use against you, that's the sort of guy my dad is.

Yeah, he has had a hard life too, and has been wronged to some degree, but the way he's dealing with it is despicable. I first moved out here and was truly the stereotypically pious daughter to him, doing everything for him, treating him great, then he beat me and my mom up for it and just continues to be worse and more unpredictable.. he used to be a big CFO, then CEO, and went bankrupt, he has his share of woes for sure, but .. he has no excuse for the way he is... sorry I.. just hate him right now.. he's always made my life so hard actually.. it didn;t even start 2 years ago it just got way worse...

idk what else to say... at least I have the house to myself for now.


and cool inspirational video gfc.. I liked it..
 
what a nightmare...simply heartbreaking
i can only hope that things turn for the better
you have become one of my favorite people to keep up with
and i look forward to the day you are free to be you again

i also hope you get the pups in the end
take care and good fortunes
 
thanks yuyo.. that was a really kind message..

I'm a lot calmer than I was earlier.. life goes on. I'm spending the night with all the dogs in the master bedroom, in the good tempur pedic bed haha.. my dad's in the hospital drugged up.. I just had a jacuzi bath..we're both relatively happy tonight.. though I could care less if he weren't.

Talked to my mom... she wants to help but has no money.. I'm stuck for the time being.. I should apply for a new debit card. I hate having to leave everything here behind... but I think I do need to. feeling powerless and ..well actually really being powerless sucks. I'm not in control of anything here, today made me realize that. My dad doesn't share control.

I need to be in control of my future.. my dad can f*ck off and keep slowly killing himself.. I tried to help.. but he's set on that path... I officially give up on him.
 
Wow... I have no words to say that would be allowed here..

I agree with everyone who said you need to move out and move on. This isn't healthy, and it isn't safe. Domestic violence always has a pattern of escalating.

Just please.. be safe, and take care of yourself. And don't do anything you'll regret. Violence is not the answer to this problem Soily.
 
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