Herbies May Competition - Win Free Seeds

supergroomer said:
If this one doesn't win for funniest, it should at least make the "most inappropriate".

A man comes home and finds his girlfriend packing her bags. He says "Honey! What's wrong?"

She replies " I have heard some REALLY awful things about you and I can't stay here!!

He say's "Honey. What could you possibly have heard that would make you so upset?"

She says "I can't even look at you."

He says "Honey!! PLEASE!!! Tell me what you have heard. Let's talk about this."

She says "I heard you were a pedophile!"

He says " A pedophile? That's an awfully big word coming from a 9 year old don't you think?

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I did warn you at the top. :)
Click to expand...

:thedoubletake:
 
Here is number 2. Like I tell my kids, if it amuses me that is all that matters. If it amuses some one else, it is a bonus!! My next cat will either be named Schrodinger... or it won't. :)

schodinger_cat.jpg
 
There were 3 married couples that wanted to join the same church, a couple in their 60s, one in their 40s and one in their20s. The preacher sat with the group and told them the one rule to join the church.
"you must abstain from sex for 30 days. "

The next month, the 3 couples meet at church with the preacher. He asked the couples how things went.

The husband from the couple in their 60s said,
" we had no problem father, we haven't had sex in a month ".
The preacher said,
" good, welcome to the church".

The husband from the couple in their 40s said,
"Well, the first week was fine. But by the second week I was having to take cold showers and the last two weeks I had to sleep on the couch. But, we made it, we haven't had sex in 30 days ".
The preacher said,
"Good. Welcome to the church"

The husband from the couple in their 20s said,
"Things were fine for the first few days. Then I had to start taking cold showers. After a week I could barley sleep. Then one day when she bent over to reach in the freezer and I lost control, I grabbed her and had wild sex right at that moment. I'm sorry father, we didn't make it 30 days ".
The preacher said,
"I'm sorry, you are not welcome at this church".
The husband then said,
"that's okay, we aren't welcome at the grocery store either".....

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The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem. The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone. The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?"
The husband replies "He says you were speeding!" The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry officer." The officer goes on; "License and registration please." The wife again turns to her husband. "What'd he say!?"
The husband, growing irritated, says "He wants to see your LICENSE." The wife replies, "Oh, sorry officer. Here you go." The officer inspects her license and comments, "Ah, you're from Brownsville. I'll never forget that city... I had the worst sexual experience of my entire life in Brownsville!" The wife once more turns to her right and yells "What'd he say!!?"
The husband replies "He says he knows you."
 
Three blondes are walking down a deserted beach, get lost and cannot find a way back to civilization. As they walk along one girl kicks something in the sand, a magic lamp and a genie pops out.

"I will grant each of you ladies one wish.", says the genie.

The first blonde steps up and says, "Me first. Me first. I wish I was smart enough to find a way off this forsaken beach."

"So be it.", says the genie and the blonde is turned into a redhead. She rushes over to the water and jumps in, swimming like a pro, she starts heading for land.

The next blonde steps forward and says, "I want to be smarter than her(pointing to the girl swimming away)so I can also get out of here."

"So be it." The genie turns her into a brunette and she runs into the forest, grabbing vines and tree limbs she quickly assembles a make shift raft and sails off.

The third blonde steps forward and says, "Well, I want to be smarter than both of them so I can get out of here faster."

"So be it.", says the genie.

He turned her into a man and then he walked across the bridge.

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A fellow driving down a country road sees a farmer and a three legged pig and stops to ask him about his pig. Hey farmer whats with the 3 legged pig, farmer answers “that's the smartest pig in the world he saved my farm when my barn burned down, let all the aminals out. He saved my life when I fell into the big pond he swam out and saved me. The fellow remarks all that with 3 legs and the farmer sayz “ he had 4 legs, a smart pig like that you can't eat him all at once”.
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A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

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A blonde pulls into the mall parking lot. Immediately after closing her door, she realizes the doors are locked and the keys are inside.
She flags down a guy in the parking lot.
"what's wrong?", he asks.
She replies " Sir, please help me, I've locked my keys in the car ".
"Sure" he says "I can help".
She says "And can you please hurry, it's starting to rain and I left my windows down".
 
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A man dies, arrives in heaven and is immediately surprised by the overwhelming amounts of clocks on display. He musters up the courage to walk up to the front desk and there sat St. Peter. "I must ask What's with all these clocks? says the man to St. Peter. "These my good friend are "sin clocks" everyone is born with one and for every sin we commit during our life on earth a second is added to the clock. If you look over there you can see Mother Teresa's clock, it hasn't moved a single second. "Thats pretty impressive" says the man. He takes some more time to really take it all in and then ask St. Peter "So where do you guys keep Obama's sin clock?" Oh that thing...God has it in his room....he's using it as a ceiling fan :cheesygrinsmiley:
 

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