Ok, so where do i start? Im 21 years of age and up until early lastyear, 2011, i was a regular pot smoker, day in day out, hardly missed a day exept for them dry periods. Though since then i stopped smoking pot (cold turkey) as my mum passed away from cancer, not related to marijuana in any way. Since then i cant even fathem smoking a joint, or a bong, or even a tiny spec of bud in the tip of a ciggarette just to test.
Ill just say a few things quickly that i just feel i should share, because i want some helpful feedback and to see if anyone has been in the situation im in at the moment.
For startes i started smoking pot when i was 16, my mum hated the fact that i smoked it and always tried to push me off it, being a young kid i lied to her told her i wasnt smoking anymore even though i still was, in her house, right under her nose. Ill just add, i loved and still do love my mum how a son should. I just enjoyed smoking.
Anyways, after she passed away i couldnt even imagine having a cone as i wanted to stay clear headed because i didnt want to be high while in that state of mind. So it had been month since she passed away and me and my brother got our own place together, which started us smoking up again, though i didnt find it nearly as pleasurable as i did the months before hand.
After 3-4 months of smoking heaily me and my brother got into a fight and we split ways and i got my own place, once again quitting cold turkey.
2 weeks later i was at a mateswho i used to smoke with back in the day and he offered me a bowl, i was very hesitant, but i decided to smoke it anyways.
What a mistake, this is where the big question im trying to get feedback comes into play.
I know i did not green out, as i have seen many people green out plenty of times. But what i felt was somewhat like an anxiety attack, tring to keep calm was hard so i told the mate i had to leave. And i did, while i waswalking geitting fresh air i cleared my head for a second or two, but then as soon as i remembered i pulled that cone, i was right back to the anxiety feeling. My heart was pounding and my brain was thinking a million different things at once, such as, "why the fuck did u do that, you dont even like it anymore", "i thout suff about my mum and what she would be saying if she was looking at me at the time", all this just made he feeling worse.
Anyways time passed and i finally got home and was more relaxed but still anxious and very tired, so i laid down and fell asleep. When i woke up i swore to myself id never have another cone in my life..
Thing is,bits been a while since that day and i want to get back into growing and testing my reward at the harvest, and i would like the occasional cone with a mate, or my bro again, without feeling the way i do. So i tested myself out, i bought a nug of a mate, chopped up, literally got like a spec of bud, mot bigger then lets say, 5mm, put in in the tip of a hand rolled smoke and blazed it up. Before i even lit the damn thing i was freaking out, but i said fuck it, man up, and took that drag back, i hardely tasted the bud over the strong tobacco, finished my smoke, and low and behold i freaked the fuck out like i did last time, yet this time i told myself, your not even high you idiot, it was tiny. And i wasnt high, i didnt feel high, but i felt weird, like the adreneline feeling before a peircing, or a tattoo type feeling.
Im almost positive i am not greening out, i think i just feel that strongy about my mum and how she truely hated me smoking, that it has made my subconcious hate it also..
What im looking for is an answer as to why it could be happening, i just want some different views from different people, and also if someone has felt this way, or am i a lone wolf?
I dont even know if i should be posting this here, its not a councellor forum, but i know u guys are genuinely nice people! So im giving it ago!
Look forward to seeing some responses, thanks for listening!
Ill just say a few things quickly that i just feel i should share, because i want some helpful feedback and to see if anyone has been in the situation im in at the moment.
For startes i started smoking pot when i was 16, my mum hated the fact that i smoked it and always tried to push me off it, being a young kid i lied to her told her i wasnt smoking anymore even though i still was, in her house, right under her nose. Ill just add, i loved and still do love my mum how a son should. I just enjoyed smoking.
Anyways, after she passed away i couldnt even imagine having a cone as i wanted to stay clear headed because i didnt want to be high while in that state of mind. So it had been month since she passed away and me and my brother got our own place together, which started us smoking up again, though i didnt find it nearly as pleasurable as i did the months before hand.
After 3-4 months of smoking heaily me and my brother got into a fight and we split ways and i got my own place, once again quitting cold turkey.
2 weeks later i was at a mateswho i used to smoke with back in the day and he offered me a bowl, i was very hesitant, but i decided to smoke it anyways.
What a mistake, this is where the big question im trying to get feedback comes into play.
I know i did not green out, as i have seen many people green out plenty of times. But what i felt was somewhat like an anxiety attack, tring to keep calm was hard so i told the mate i had to leave. And i did, while i waswalking geitting fresh air i cleared my head for a second or two, but then as soon as i remembered i pulled that cone, i was right back to the anxiety feeling. My heart was pounding and my brain was thinking a million different things at once, such as, "why the fuck did u do that, you dont even like it anymore", "i thout suff about my mum and what she would be saying if she was looking at me at the time", all this just made he feeling worse.
Anyways time passed and i finally got home and was more relaxed but still anxious and very tired, so i laid down and fell asleep. When i woke up i swore to myself id never have another cone in my life..
Thing is,bits been a while since that day and i want to get back into growing and testing my reward at the harvest, and i would like the occasional cone with a mate, or my bro again, without feeling the way i do. So i tested myself out, i bought a nug of a mate, chopped up, literally got like a spec of bud, mot bigger then lets say, 5mm, put in in the tip of a hand rolled smoke and blazed it up. Before i even lit the damn thing i was freaking out, but i said fuck it, man up, and took that drag back, i hardely tasted the bud over the strong tobacco, finished my smoke, and low and behold i freaked the fuck out like i did last time, yet this time i told myself, your not even high you idiot, it was tiny. And i wasnt high, i didnt feel high, but i felt weird, like the adreneline feeling before a peircing, or a tattoo type feeling.
Im almost positive i am not greening out, i think i just feel that strongy about my mum and how she truely hated me smoking, that it has made my subconcious hate it also..
What im looking for is an answer as to why it could be happening, i just want some different views from different people, and also if someone has felt this way, or am i a lone wolf?
I dont even know if i should be posting this here, its not a councellor forum, but i know u guys are genuinely nice people! So im giving it ago!
Look forward to seeing some responses, thanks for listening!
