LolaSativa
New Member
I just joined a couple days ago, so I'm finally doing a formal introduction.
I'm Lola, from Los Angeles. Just got my legal MMJ card in June of this year.
I was never a regular smoker until my 30's, though I liked to smoke socially from time to time.
I had been struggling with mood swings and other attention deficit disorder/neurologic symptoms my entire life.
Before I EVER smoked pot, I've never had any concept of time. I tend to "zone out" for minutes at a time, was nervous, edgy, chatted constantly out of nerves, blurted out stupid shit out of nervousness, giggled incessantly also out of nervousnesses...I could not mellow out and came off like a Deep Water Culture.
I had trouble holding down jobs, especially menial waitressing and secretarial jobs, as multi-tasking is just torture for me. I spent years in therapy trying to learn to calm down and be focused.
One time, I took caffiene and sugar and wheat out of my diet. Started taking yoga classes. That helped, but I still felt like my moods were swinging out of control and I would still have weird "black outs". I was afraid of psychiatric drugs because my mother had been diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar when I was a child, and she had been so sensitive to the drugs. She had been a ballet dancer, tiny 95 pounds and petite, and the psychiatric meds blew her up to 225 pounds.
I'd been singing in a band for several years when it broke up. My dream and focus had always been to pursue a music career. I was in love with one of my band members, and he'd been hiding a speed addiction from me. On top of that, my Department at work was laid off. I had no job and no band and became clinically depressed (on top of my already unstable emotional history). I moved in with a friend of mine who smoked pot every night and I started to follow suit.
The smoking really helped me mellow out. I didn't freak out over little shit anymore. I wasn't as nervous and giggly, or nervous and edgey. I didn't come off as a Deep Water Culture so much. I got another job within the same company, only with more responsibility and more money. I felt really stable.
However, pot "is illegal" and I felt guilty for smoking it. I didn't put two and two together that the pot might have actually been helping me manage my life better by getting rid of my anxiety in a "natural" way.
But, with my new job, I felt that I should be responsible, see a psychiatrist and try to get on real medications, and off the pot. I'd always known there was "something wrong with me." I should try to fix it "legally and legitimately".
I was first diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, inattentive type. I was put on strattera, but also put on an antidepressant, for the clinical depression (which I definitely was after my band broke up). The strattera is a stimulant for ADHD, which made me completely manic and edgey. I had signed up for nursing school, but had to quit because I didn't feel right. I eventually ended up in the hospital when I tried to jump out of a moving car because the stimulants had made me so manic.
In the hospital, I was diagnosed with bipolar type II disorder, forced to go to Narcotics Anonymous (for marijuana addiction! ha ha ha!) I was put on Lithium, which, BTW, feels EXACTLY like weed. When I mentioned this to the psychiatrist, she said "Everyone says that!" However, unlike Lithium, weed will not lower your thyroid function, make your face and back break out with acne, make it impossible for you to metablize your food and gain 50 pounds (all of which I did on lithium). I had to go off lithium because it was too toxic for me, and was put on yet another mood stabilizer, seroquel. Seroquel made me feel like I was losing my mind. Geodon gave me akathesia (or is it acathesia? It's a horrible feeling like you want to jump out of your skin!), then there was Risperidol, which made my feet feel like they were blowing up...I can't even remember all of the horrifying, NOT TO MENTION, DANGEROUS drugs I was put on, and none of them helped. They only made me feel LIKE SHIT AND LIKE A COMPLETE MISERABLE FAT ZOMBIE!
Not only that, when I left the hospital, somehow I'd become ADDICTED TO NICOTINE CIGARETTES! THE WORST THING FOR YOU! Nicotine is a stimulant, and not good for bipolar disorder either (if that's even what I have!). THE NURSE WAS ACTUALLY OUT THERE LIGHTING UP MY CIGARETTES! WHAT THE FUCK????? AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO GET HEALTHY IN A HOSPITAL????
Out of the hospital, I desperately tried to stay off of marijuana and take my medication like a good patient. I even went to "Marijuana Anonymous" (BTW I LOVE the 12-step program, it rocks, but Marijuana was NOT my problem!) However, I'd get so manic at work, I'd drive home crying every night.
Eventually, I ended up back in the hospital again, and that's when I realized NO ONE IS GOING TO SAVE ME BUT MYSELF!!! AND IF WEED HELPS ME STAY ALIVE, KEEPS ME FROM FEELING LIKE I WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND JUMPING OUT OF MOVING CARS, TAKES AWAY THAT ANXIOUS, NERVOUS FEELING, THEN FUCK WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS!!
I got my medical marijuana card in June, 2006.
I am back to being a medical office manager. Sadly, my boss does not know about my medication.
Unfortunatley, I still have "seconds" of lost time where I seem to zone out, almost like partial simple seizures or something...I still have trouble with "zone outs" when the cannabis wears off (I know that seems weird, because when a "normal" (non-psychiatric/non-neurologic patient) smokes pot, they get "zoney" with no concept of time), but I'm just the opposite...even as a young child, I have distinct memories of being completely LOST in school some days...there would be a quiz that everyone managed to hear about...except me...it's as if I astrally project myself off the planet...ADD? ADHD? Seizures? Depression?
Anyway, I am seeing a new cannabis friendly doctor soon who comes highly recommended. I am still on antidepressants, though a much lower dose, and I'm on an antiepileptic, which helps with the focus problem and the mini-black-outs, but not totally, and I experiment with various strains of weed to get rid of the anxious nervous behavior.
So, that's my story...thus far...
Would love to hear from others!
__________________
Whatever Lola Wants...
LolaSativa is online now Add to LolaSativa's Reputation Edit/Delete Message
I'm Lola, from Los Angeles. Just got my legal MMJ card in June of this year.
I was never a regular smoker until my 30's, though I liked to smoke socially from time to time.
I had been struggling with mood swings and other attention deficit disorder/neurologic symptoms my entire life.
Before I EVER smoked pot, I've never had any concept of time. I tend to "zone out" for minutes at a time, was nervous, edgy, chatted constantly out of nerves, blurted out stupid shit out of nervousness, giggled incessantly also out of nervousnesses...I could not mellow out and came off like a Deep Water Culture.
I had trouble holding down jobs, especially menial waitressing and secretarial jobs, as multi-tasking is just torture for me. I spent years in therapy trying to learn to calm down and be focused.
One time, I took caffiene and sugar and wheat out of my diet. Started taking yoga classes. That helped, but I still felt like my moods were swinging out of control and I would still have weird "black outs". I was afraid of psychiatric drugs because my mother had been diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar when I was a child, and she had been so sensitive to the drugs. She had been a ballet dancer, tiny 95 pounds and petite, and the psychiatric meds blew her up to 225 pounds.
I'd been singing in a band for several years when it broke up. My dream and focus had always been to pursue a music career. I was in love with one of my band members, and he'd been hiding a speed addiction from me. On top of that, my Department at work was laid off. I had no job and no band and became clinically depressed (on top of my already unstable emotional history). I moved in with a friend of mine who smoked pot every night and I started to follow suit.
The smoking really helped me mellow out. I didn't freak out over little shit anymore. I wasn't as nervous and giggly, or nervous and edgey. I didn't come off as a Deep Water Culture so much. I got another job within the same company, only with more responsibility and more money. I felt really stable.
However, pot "is illegal" and I felt guilty for smoking it. I didn't put two and two together that the pot might have actually been helping me manage my life better by getting rid of my anxiety in a "natural" way.
But, with my new job, I felt that I should be responsible, see a psychiatrist and try to get on real medications, and off the pot. I'd always known there was "something wrong with me." I should try to fix it "legally and legitimately".
I was first diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, inattentive type. I was put on strattera, but also put on an antidepressant, for the clinical depression (which I definitely was after my band broke up). The strattera is a stimulant for ADHD, which made me completely manic and edgey. I had signed up for nursing school, but had to quit because I didn't feel right. I eventually ended up in the hospital when I tried to jump out of a moving car because the stimulants had made me so manic.
In the hospital, I was diagnosed with bipolar type II disorder, forced to go to Narcotics Anonymous (for marijuana addiction! ha ha ha!) I was put on Lithium, which, BTW, feels EXACTLY like weed. When I mentioned this to the psychiatrist, she said "Everyone says that!" However, unlike Lithium, weed will not lower your thyroid function, make your face and back break out with acne, make it impossible for you to metablize your food and gain 50 pounds (all of which I did on lithium). I had to go off lithium because it was too toxic for me, and was put on yet another mood stabilizer, seroquel. Seroquel made me feel like I was losing my mind. Geodon gave me akathesia (or is it acathesia? It's a horrible feeling like you want to jump out of your skin!), then there was Risperidol, which made my feet feel like they were blowing up...I can't even remember all of the horrifying, NOT TO MENTION, DANGEROUS drugs I was put on, and none of them helped. They only made me feel LIKE SHIT AND LIKE A COMPLETE MISERABLE FAT ZOMBIE!
Not only that, when I left the hospital, somehow I'd become ADDICTED TO NICOTINE CIGARETTES! THE WORST THING FOR YOU! Nicotine is a stimulant, and not good for bipolar disorder either (if that's even what I have!). THE NURSE WAS ACTUALLY OUT THERE LIGHTING UP MY CIGARETTES! WHAT THE FUCK????? AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO GET HEALTHY IN A HOSPITAL????
Out of the hospital, I desperately tried to stay off of marijuana and take my medication like a good patient. I even went to "Marijuana Anonymous" (BTW I LOVE the 12-step program, it rocks, but Marijuana was NOT my problem!) However, I'd get so manic at work, I'd drive home crying every night.
Eventually, I ended up back in the hospital again, and that's when I realized NO ONE IS GOING TO SAVE ME BUT MYSELF!!! AND IF WEED HELPS ME STAY ALIVE, KEEPS ME FROM FEELING LIKE I WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND JUMPING OUT OF MOVING CARS, TAKES AWAY THAT ANXIOUS, NERVOUS FEELING, THEN FUCK WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS!!
I got my medical marijuana card in June, 2006.
I am back to being a medical office manager. Sadly, my boss does not know about my medication.
Unfortunatley, I still have "seconds" of lost time where I seem to zone out, almost like partial simple seizures or something...I still have trouble with "zone outs" when the cannabis wears off (I know that seems weird, because when a "normal" (non-psychiatric/non-neurologic patient) smokes pot, they get "zoney" with no concept of time), but I'm just the opposite...even as a young child, I have distinct memories of being completely LOST in school some days...there would be a quiz that everyone managed to hear about...except me...it's as if I astrally project myself off the planet...ADD? ADHD? Seizures? Depression?
Anyway, I am seeing a new cannabis friendly doctor soon who comes highly recommended. I am still on antidepressants, though a much lower dose, and I'm on an antiepileptic, which helps with the focus problem and the mini-black-outs, but not totally, and I experiment with various strains of weed to get rid of the anxious nervous behavior.
So, that's my story...thus far...
Would love to hear from others!
__________________
Whatever Lola Wants...
LolaSativa is online now Add to LolaSativa's Reputation Edit/Delete Message
